i am full of self doubt that only seems aided by those around me and the situations i encounter. i am full of negativity that only seems to build with the days. i am full of anger that i feel i can never control. i am full of tears that ever so bluntly pour out of my face on a near daily basis. i am full of uncontrolable thoughts that harm me and those that can read the expression on my face as the thoughts roll in like tumble weed. i am full of cravings, needs, urges that will end up destroying me. i am full of every single thing i could only want less of; instead, i am full.
i lack the self confidence that could possibly and potentially change my life, create a different person, enduce happiness. i lack the happiness a normal person experiences throughout life. i feel as if i’ve only known happiness in the smallest form. we’ve only met a small handful of times. i lack the courage to become the person i want to be; i remain wallowing in my own self pity, doubt, destruction and degradation. i lack the honesty to express myself as openly as i should, excluding negative emotions of course.
i’ve become this person once again and it pains me to look down and see the skin on my body. it pains me run my fingers through my hair and feel each individual stand that could only be full of sadness. i’ve become this person once again, ravaging through distant memories hoping to find any kind of clairty as to this unfortunate person before you. am i this way because of you mom? or is it you dad with you lack of presence in my life? or is it myself? am i the reason i am this shitty person?